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Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab with Restory Counseling, where we help you explore the why behind the what. Because guess what? We believe that your marriage is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be explored and enjoyed. We believe that the more you explore and know your story, the deeper your marriage connection will be. This podcast is now the audio version of our new YouTube channel, Thrive Marriage Lab.

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where each week you can expect us to help you cultivate connection and belonging without the fixing and tips and common things you often hear in the marriage space. So find us on YouTube or listen in.

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So if your spouse is the one who kind of qualifies in your marriage as the one who is emotionally unavailable, I already mentioned in a previous video that the first posture that I would invite you to take is one of curiosity, one of curiosity. And that is that their current behavior, their current emotional unavailability is not a result of an active current choice that they're making to keep you away, but really it is driven out of some kind of past trauma.

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that required them to shut their hearts down so that they can stay safe and stay whole. So if you are the spouse who is wanting your partner to be more emotionally available, this video is for you. Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab. My name is Chris Bruno and I'm a licensed professional counselor. And together with my wife, Beth, and our colleague, Tracy Johnson, we post videos to help you understand the why behind the what.

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Because we believe the more you explore and know your story, the deeper your connection will be. So when you begin to have that posture of curiosity, I think it's helpful for you to recognize what is currently happening in the present. What are the moments, if not every moment, but if there are a couple of moments that actually increase the level of unavailability in your spouse, start to wonder about that. What is going on in the dynamic between you? Is there a sharp word? Is there an expectation?

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Is there some kind of unmet desire? Is there some kind of shame that is showing up? Begin to wonder what is actually happening in the present, in the here and now, and then have some curiosity for yourself, where might that same thing have occurred in the past, that same experience? So where in your spouse's story did they know desire that was unmet? Where in your spouse's story did they know shame?

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How was shame handled in their life? Where did they know feelings and emotions? How were emotions handled in their family of origin? Were they allowed to be angry? Were they allowed to be sad? Were they allowed to express their thoughts? Were they allowed to be anxious? Or was all that kind of stuff either ridiculed, dismissed, swept under the rug, told that they're wrong, boys don't cry, whatever that is. What was, think about back to your spouse's experience growing up.

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And I wonder what kind of level of empathy you might be able to have if you think of your spouse as the child, not as the current adult that they are, but as the child that became the adult that they are. What level of compassion might you actually have when you start to think about what was emotion looked like? How was emotion handled in their family of origin growing up? Now,

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you may actually know some stories. You may actually know from things your spouse has said, their parents have said, that kind of thing, their brother or sister have shared with you. You might know some stories that have been shared with you where that might've been the case. So if you do, then I would suggest you just like slowing down and beginning to wonder what might that have actually felt like to my spouse? Not just what happened, but what did it feel like to my spouse? What did it feel like to be that little boy or that little girl?

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in that moment, if you can have that kind of curiosity just for yourself, you're not talking to your spouse about this just yet, but just that kind of curiosity around what it felt like for them. Can you inside of you have any find any kind of compassion or empathy for that younger part, for that younger boy or girl that they were back then? Can you have some kind of compassion for how that experience might have felt for them? And then even one step further is

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and therefore what did they have to do to stay safe? How did they have to shut down their emotions in that moment? And where did they go with them? What did they have to do with them? Where did they feel them? Did they have to completely cut them off? Did they get buried? Is there some reservoir of anger that's somewhere buried in the backyard of their lives? Like what is happening in that space for them? Can you as a spouse move into a place of compassion and empathy for that younger story?

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I can tell you that if you can do that, it will begin to move the two of you closer and closer together. Now in a previous video, I did speak to the spouse who may be the one experiencing, like I just don't, I am not, I don't have availability to my own emotions, let alone availability to my spouse's. And I asked them to consider, I asked that person to consider what are some of those stories that they experienced.

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where that was necessary for them to be able to survive? Where did they have to shut down their emotions in order to make it through the day or the week or the month? And so as the other spouse is the one who's wanting to feel more emotionally connected with your spouse, you know, spouse, you're the one who's able to connect, your spouse is the one who's not, what would it be like for you to listen and invite those kinds of stories? What would it be like for you to wonder about what they bring to you?

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Are they able to bring, are they able to talk about some of those experiences as a child? And then wonder with them what that felt like. Now you're not trying to parse out how much time did that take? What happened? What house did you live in? Like, you're not trying to find out all the details. Your focus is on what it felt like as a child to experience that event, that situation, that moment in their stories. If you can have that kind of perspective as a spouse towards your emotionally unavailable spouse,

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as they are sharing anything having to do with their upbringing, it is actually going to create a whole different experience of emotional safety, of emotional invitation, of emotional presence on your part to a vulnerable part that hopefully they are starting to bring to you. They're starting to recognize for you guys, that is going to be one of the biggest places where you're going to meet. So if you're like, I'm feeling emotionally unavailable all the time, uh, or your spouse is emotionally unavailable all the time with you,

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You're not talking about the today stuff. You're not talking about your current relationship. You're talking about what happened to them growing up and how that was for them. And now you're able to bring a kind of new narrative, a new story, a new experience of tell me about that, what it felt like for you. And I am actually going to stay present for you. Your, whatever you have to say about that experience is welcome here. I want to hear about that. I want to tend to you. I want to comfort you for how hard that must have been for you.

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that opens up a whole new narrative paradigm for how you're engaging your spouse. So if you are the one who is experiencing your spouse being emotionally unavailable, I think the thing that I would invite you to besides that curiosity then is your ability to have some level of empathy for what it must have been like for your spouse. When those patterns, those defaults of having to shut down emotions got started.

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So in the next video, we're gonna talk about what is necessary for the two of you to begin to talk in these ways. We'll see you there.

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If you like this, there's more where that came from. Go to Thrive Marriage Lab on YouTube to check out all of the marriage resources we have for you. We are so committed to helping you develop a deeper and more connected relationship that we have created 12 free.

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curated date guides to walk you through one year of good dates that we believe take you beyond your average date night to the kind of connection you really want. So head over to Restory.life/thrive-dates or just look in the show notes to subscribe to get those for free in your inbox for one year. And if you're curious about us, you can find us over at Restory.life.

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where we look forward to hearing about how your marriage continues to grow. See you same time, same place next week.