00:00
Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab with Restory Counseling, where we help you explore the why behind the what. Because guess what? We believe that your marriage is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be explored and enjoyed. We believe that the more you explore and know your story, the deeper your marriage connection will be. This podcast is now the audio version of our new YouTube channel, Thrive Marriage Lab.

00:29
where each week you can expect us to help you cultivate connection and belonging without the fixing and tips and common things you often hear in the marriage space. So find us on YouTube or listen in.

00:46
There is a big difference between a tragedy and a trauma. A tragedy is some difficult, bad, hard situation that shows up. We can't do much to prevent it by and large, though however much we try, right? We can't do much to prevent the tragedy because we just live in a broken and falling world. That is just where we live. Tragedy exists in this world. So we experience tragedy.

01:15
It moves then into a place of trauma when we do not have in the moment of tragedy, we do not have the presence of kindness. That kindness when we're walking through a tragedy actually prevents it from becoming a soul shaping trauma. Tragedy is external, trauma is internal. And the difference is that tragedy occurs out here.

01:42
Trauma is what happens inside. It gets locked in and it's the result of the lack of kindness in the moment of tragedy. Now just think back when you were a child and like you fell off your bike, for example, and mom was outside or dad was outside and they saw you fall off the bike. They run to your aid, they scoop you up and they kind of have a, you know, hear you, hear your cry, clean your wound.

02:11
have a, you know, like, oh, you're gonna be okay, some kind words to you, what happens, tell me what happened, where does it hurt, like those kinds of things. That's kindness, that's comfort showing up in the moment of tragedy. When you have that, when that has occurred in the moment of tragedy, that falling off a bike tragedy, right, it will not become a trauma. However, if you fall off your bike and you get hurt,

02:40
and there is no mother, there is no father, there is no kindness, there is no presence that comes to you and cares for you, that then becomes slowly in the course of the little child's mind and heart, it becomes a trauma. And according to the trauma, it's not just the experience, but it's what I've come to believe about the experience and myself and the world and God and whoever else, that trauma is what I've come to believe about it. So here's what I wanna say about that. So for the child who doesn't have that,

03:09
Yeah, they need to clean themselves up. They need to pick themselves up. They need to, you know, find a way to wipe away their tears, wipe away the blood, whatever. The trauma is not about the blood. The trauma is about what they believe about themselves, such as I am on my own. No one is gonna come for me. I have to take care of myself. No one cares for me. I am just a bad athlete. I'm never gonna be able to ride a bike. I can't do things. I'm just dumb. My body doesn't work. I always get hurt.

03:38
those are the kinds of things that get lodged into our bodies, into our brains, when we don't have the presence of kindness there. Because that's what transitions it into a place of trauma. I say all of that, especially in this space where we're talking about emotional unavailability in a marriage, it is a trauma response to where kindness was not known in the context of the original tragedy. And so,

04:07
If you, both you who may be emotionally unavailable yourself, or if you the spouse of someone like that, if you can have some kind of kindness, and I'm going to unpack that in a second. If you can have some kind of kindness for what is going on, it will radically change that trauma back into a tragedy. Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab. My name is Chris Bruno and I'm a licensed professional counselor and together with my wife, Beth,

04:34
and our colleague Tracy Johnson, we post videos to help you understand the why behind the wet. Because we believe that the more you explore and know your story, the deeper your connection will be. Emotional unavailability is a trauma response. And so the only way to kind of move from a trauma response to a non-trauma response is with the introduction of kindness. And this requires you as a spouse, both partners,

05:03
to be able to talk about with one another where some of these original stories started to play out in their lives. When their emotions were not welcome, when it was better for them to keep them under wraps, buried, unavailable for comment, those kinds of things. When those stories got going in their lives, that was a movement of tragedy into trauma. As you are with one another in the space of kindness,

05:32
And I'll describe that in a second. As you are in that space of kindness with one another, it begins to move that trauma back into the space of tragedy. It goes from some kind of core belief, understanding of who you are and how you engage in the world and what's required of you. It moves from that trauma response to, I have choices on how, that was rough and I have choices now on how I'm going to live. I don't have to have that kind of subconscious trauma response anymore. I now have other options.

06:01
Kindness is actually quite fascinating because research has shown that kindness actually leads the brain towards change. It is when we experience kindness from another human that our neural pathways begin to open up new possibilities. Those neural pathways are formed through tragedy and they are also formed through kindness.

06:28
And so in the moments of those two things, we can undo, unravel, un-write the story of trauma turning into tragedy by the introduction of kindness. It's fascinating when you think about the neurobiology of all that. So kindness opens up new possibilities. And I said in another video that it requires some level of risk, 100% all the time kindness requires risk. Because you are offering something of yourself

06:56
It may or may not be welcome, it may or may not be accepted, but you are offering something of yourself and now it's out there for someone else to decide what they're gonna do with it. So kindness, you guys, in my mind is this. It is this combination of strength and tenderness. That is what I believe kindness is. It is not nice, it is not polite, it is not all those kinds of things. Those are empty kinds of things. Kindness has a strength to it.

07:26
and it also has a tenderness to it. So strength without tenderness is power. Tenderness without strength is weakness or niceness. So it's the combination of those two things that just like I said about the parent running to the child, what do they do with their strength? They pick them up, they bring them to themselves, they offer some kind of protection, containment, care, there is some kind of strength that...

07:55
scoops them up out of the road maybe so they don't get run over by a car. There's some kind of strength that goes into play. And in that moment, they're not like squeezing the child. They're not like holding them super tight. They're not like yelling at them for whatever. There's this tenderness that comes with it. There is a strength that says come here and a tenderness that says come here. Those two things I think are what make up kindness. I hope that makes sense. So when you're in the context of talking about

08:25
this vulnerable place of sharing stories where maybe emotions were not welcome in the past, in the background, kindness now actually begins to unravel some of the narrative that was laid out. It begins to carve a new pathway of, oh, maybe I can be emotionally available because you now, my spouse, are gonna bring kindness. Whereas before, when I was emotionally available, I did not know kindness, and so therefore I shut it down.

08:54
It's providing a new opportunity, a new pathway. Because that is one of the ways for us to move forward when our spouse is emotionally unavailable. And when we ourselves find ourselves emotionally unavailable as well. So kindness is that movement towards one another in a generous, thoughtful, intentional, present kind of way. It does require risk, it does require authenticity, it does require vulnerability.

09:23
But kindness actually is what moves us to the place of change. The more we can experience that kind of kindness, the more we will begin to shift how we show up in the current relationship. Because before it made no sense to show up that way in the relationship. Now that we experience very intentional kindness in the place of the stories where that occurred, now it begins to unravel. So tragedy turns into trauma with a lack of kindness.

09:53
back into tragedy with the presence of kindness. I think that's fascinating for how we can begin to unpack some of the things that we've experienced in our lives, in the background of our lives, in the past narratives that we hold, that we bring with us into our marriages. If we can bring kindness to those stories, new opportunities exist. Thanks so much. See you in the next video.

10:17
If you like this, there's more where that came from. Go to Thrive Marriage Lab on YouTube to check out all of the marriage resources we have for you. We are so committed to helping you develop a deeper and more connected relationship that we have created 12 free curated date guides to walk you through one year of good.

10:37
dates that we believe take you beyond your average date night to the kind of connection you really want. So head over to Restory.life/thrive-dates or just look in the show notes to subscribe to get those for free in your inbox for one year. And if you're curious about us, you can find us over at Restory.life where we look forward to hearing about how your marriage continues to grow. See you same time, same place.

11:06
next week.