00:00
Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab with Restory Counseling, where we help you explore the why behind the what. Because guess what? We believe that your marriage is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be explored and enjoyed. We believe that the more you explore and know your story, the deeper your marriage connection will be. This podcast is now the audio version of our new YouTube channel, Thrive Marriage Lab.

00:29
where each week you can expect us to help you cultivate connection and belonging without the fixing and tips and common things you often hear in the marriage space. So find us on YouTube or listen in.

00:47
At this point in your relationship, all of those butterflies are starting to kind of rumble around in your stomach and you're getting all the plans made for your wedding day. Things are starting to fall in place. You're deciding on colors for the wedding dresses. You're deciding on what kind of tuxedo you're gonna wear. You're deciding on where you're gonna go on your honeymoon. You are an engaged couple and you're preparing for marriage.

01:14
Well, today we are wanting to talk about the most important thing for you to know before you walk down that aisle. You might not think about these kinds of things, but as marriage counselors, we have several things that we want to share with you. My name is Chris Bruno and I'm a licensed professional counselor. And my name is Tracy Johnson and I am a story work coach and supervise story work coaching at Reef Story where Chris and I work.

01:44
And together with my wife, Beth, we post videos to help you understand the why behind the what. Because actually we believe the more you explore your story, the deeper your connection will be. So as you walk down that aisle, as you prepare to walk down that aisle, there are some really important things for you to be considering in preparation. And so this is somewhat of, we would walk through with a premarital couple that we'd be working with, but we thought we'd give you a few thoughts here.

02:13
So the first thought is this, you guys, that you are two people coming together, but more than that, you are two stories coming together. That each of you individually have your own narratives. You have your own person, you have your own stories that live within you, that you are bringing into this relationship. And the fact is that you're not just getting married to another person, you're getting married to another story.

02:41
And as we help couples in this premarital space, we want to orient you to what we mean by that and help you kind of come awake to the reality of how that is actually gonna be important in your marriage. Inevitably, as you've been getting to know each other, you've been telling one another stories and you've been starting to live a story of your own. And if you're like most couples, even the process of planning that wedding is starting to surface some stories and some things about one another that you might not have known.

03:11
Part of what we want you to know about what you want to be paying attention to as you're thinking about walking down that aisle is that there's always more beneath the apparent story that you're hearing from one another. And marriage is really about becoming a student of your spouse's narrative. It's about coming to understand like who are they? How did they become this person? Who are the important people in their life that have...

03:39
helped shape them, and maybe even what are the important events that have helped shape them? And the fact is that when we say the word story, we don't just mean like learning about the itinerary of their lives, right? It's not just that you grew up in this place and went to this college or high school and went, you know, got this job. That's not, that's important, but it's not actually the kind of story that we're talking about. We're talking about what shaped you, what formed you, what are the...

04:05
the influences, the highs and the lows, the glories and the traumas that created this aspect of the character that you have become in your life. And yes, there are some aspects of personality there for sure, but there's so much more of who we are is how that personality engages with the events of our lives, the things that end up happening. And not just the things that happen in our lives, but the people.

04:33
The people that influence us, the people that shape us, the experiences that we have in our relationships before we get married actually have a significant impact on the relationship you have after you get married. In fact, most of who you are coming into this marriage relationship is formed out of those relationships before. Yes, like I said, there is some personality, but by and large, it is the shaping of who you've become.

05:03
that is most important. And for you to kind of wake up to that reality that those are the narratives that we're talking about. So yes, share each other with each other the stories that you have of where you grew up and why and how and the football championship or the gymnastics that you are a part of or those kinds of things. Share those stories. More so think about what the impact of those stories was on who you came to be. What it was about those things and those relationships

05:33
that you had on who you are today, to the adult that you are today. And the gift you can give each other is to wonder about that for yourself, but then to wonder about it for your beloved. So slow down some of those conversations about all those events and all the things and stop to just say, tell me more. Tell me more about like, how did that change who you were? How did that change how you felt?

06:01
How are you noticing that as we're planning the wedding and talking about building this life together? And even taking the opportunity as you are planning the wedding to ask some of those questions, because inevitably what becomes important for the wedding day is important to the person. And that's just not preferences. There are stories connected to each one of those things. So there's stories connected to why you want a big wedding or why you want a small one.

06:31
What about those colors is important to you? How did they become important? And they trace these words just a moment ago was like, tell me more, not just like asking about the what, but tell me what it felt like. What was it like is an even better question. And as we talk about the why behind the what is this is getting at that why. This is getting at why are these things important to you so that I not only know like what your favorite color is, but then I actually,

07:00
know the deeper story of what goes on behind the scenes. And that's just really important for you as a married couple to continue to be aware that these stories will be at play throughout your lives. The Restory RR Counseling Center is called Restory Counseling and the logo of Restory Counseling is the cross section of a tree where on the outside of the tree is the adult tree, but on the inside,

07:27
are all the rings, all the ages, all the moments and experiences that tree has ever lived. And it still is resident inside of that adult tree. And in the same way, these stories are like that. They're still resident inside of you. They're still active and engaged. Even if you're relating right now to the adult on the outside, at times you will be bumping up against some of those previous stories. You may be aware of it, you may not be aware of it,

07:56
grow in your relationship, the more you become aware in about those narratives that live inside of you, the more you'll be able to have deeper connection and compassion for one another and awareness of where some of these things are coming from, whether it's about the wedding day or the years and years afterwards. So the most important thing for you to know before you walk down the aisle is that you're not just marrying a person, you are marrying their stories as well.

08:27
So we will end today with this, you guys. Next video that we would love to highlight for you, especially as an engaged couple, is what is really going on when you fight because it's not actually what you think. So we'll see you there. If you like this, there's more where that came from. Go to Thrive Marriage Lab on YouTube to check out all of the marriage resources we have for you. We are so committed to helping you develop a deeper and more connected relationship.

08:57
that we have created 12 free curated date guides to walk you through one year of good dates that we believe take you beyond your average date night to the kind of connection you really want. So head over to restory.life slash thrive dash dates or just look in the show notes to subscribe to get those for free in your inbox for one year. And if you're curious about us, you can find us over at restory.life.

09:26
where we look forward to hearing about how your marriage continues to grow. See you same time, same place next week.